I don't think I've fully registered that I'm actually going back to China this summer. Of course I'm excited to go, but I also have my apprehensions. Part of me wanted to spend my summer at home since I went straight from my senior year to China to college. The month I had home at Christmas was nice and helped me getting over being home sick, but I feel like I haven't had time to breath in a while. My entire 2017-present can be described as holding my breath, and I'm constantly waiting for the exhale, but it never comes. Perhaps this is what adulthood feels like: constantly waiting for life to slow down.
So there's the part of me that wishes I could be home this summer, but there's the other part of me that's glad I'm not going to be home. Most of my high school friends are going to be away, and I don't own a car. I know I'd be spending my time at home or suffering through a world history course I don't want to take. I'm so glad I'll actually be doing something truly enriching with my summer, rather than spending time at home.
There's this deep conflict inside of me. I loved my time in Nanjing, but I got very home sick the last week and a half, and I didn't realize how bad it was until I started sobbing as the pilot announced our descent into my home city. I experienced culture shock, but I didn't even know it was happening until I had time to reflect when I felt so alone the first few months of college. I was scared to talk to people because I was afraid they would judge me. I had an extremely difficult time understanding the locals, and I'm still not sure if that was because of the accent, or if I was just too afraid to function.
I gained so much out of my first trip in China, but I know I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I left my fears take control of me. I know the Chinese culture better now, so my hope is that I will take my first experience and use it as a baseline for my second. I don't want to be afraid of Chinese. I want to comprehend and learn the material. I want to gain more out of this trip than I even know is possible.
I can let my fears control me, or I can let them drive me.
I saw a great caption on Instagram that read along the lines of: "Out of the 6000 applicants, I am 1 of 600 selected by the State Department to study a critical language. I am part of the 10% that was selected among undergraduates and PhDs, and I am truly honored."
The US Department selected me: a 19-year-old film major from Tennessee to represent the US and study Chinese. They could have picked any number of applicants with higher goals, achievements, or education levels, but they chose me. I will succeed.
But aside from my unnecessary personal thoughts, I spent most of my day filling out and completing CLS forms! There are so many, and thankfully I don't have any metal health or disability accommodations for I'd be filling out even more forms.
There are 6 forms that I have to fill out including:
Acceptance
Travel Information
Passport Information
Academic Credit Request
Housing Information
Medical Forms
The first four were fairly easy, but the housing form requires you to write a letter in the target language to your host family/roommate, and I am struggling. I've been a year out of practice, and I'm very worried that my grammar is very wrong. It also doesn't help that almost every sentence I wrote starts with "我", so that's great.
Introduction letters are always a little awkward because it's like "what do I even say??" I don't even know what an appropriate length would be. I wish I could get my high school Chinese teacher to look over my letter, but I feel like this letter should be entirely me. Besides, it'll serve as a good baseline when the summer's over.
And don't get me started on the medical forms. I've been to the doctor so many times because of previous NSLIY experiences, and every time I go, they prick my finger and give me shots. (Also I've probably gained my freshman 15 and I really don't want them to weight me.) Not to mention, the button to generate the PDF for the medical evaluation form is currently MIA, so a lot of us are just generally confused.
There's so much to do before the dead line; I really hope I can get my ducks in a row.